A Fire at the Howard House



Dear Mrs. Howard,


I come to you on behalf of our faithful member, your husband, Chuck Howard.Given my recent acceptance of the role of Chapter President of the D.H.S, it is my duty to fulfill certain responsibilities such as the current circumstances we find ourselves in today.

I am sure it comes to no surprise to you that Brother Chuck was a shoe in for us here at the D.H.S. He has been a faithful member since the day he said, I do.  I think I speak for all of the members at the club when I say that Brother Chuck is the very reason this club exists. We are proud to call him one of our own.

In all sincerity, I can’t truly express how sorry I am to hear about the house fire that took a hold over at your residence last Thursday. Brother Chuck rushed right in the next morning to tell us the news and how it happened. In his defense, most of us men here didn’t know that storing fireworks next to the welder in the storage shed would pose such a threat. Also, I must admit to being somewhat responsible. I’m the one who asked him to weld the bracket back on my wife’s favorite wrought iron chair, on account that it’s her favorite chair that she has warned me it’s not really a sitting chair but a looking chair. Furthermore, I can assure you that Brother Chuck and I are both very sorry about the loss of the fine Christmas china you had stowed away in that shed. The men have even come together to raise a collection to pay for the loss of your favorite laying chickens, I hope they weren’t crisped up too bad and maybe still edible.

The men and I have decided that the important thing here is that you all are well and without injury, all except for that one mark on Brother Chuck’s head, behind his ear.  He has always boasted about how good of a throwing arm you had. It is our hope that you can come to see that we truly are sorry for this mishap and that you might let Brother Chuck sleep inside tonight. Quite frankly, the fleas he got from the dog has caused a bit of a health concern down here at the club house. Please accept this coupon voucher, given to you by my office and all of the members down here at the D.H.S., for a free delicious ham, redeemable at your local market.


Wes Thompson, Chapter President of the Dumbass Husbands Society

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