Finding God in an Infant.

October 8th, 2018 was the day my life changed.  It is the day that my beautiful wife gave birth to our daughter. Any parent will tell you how amazing it is to have your first child, hold them in your arms, and appreciate the miracle that they are. But this day would also be the start of another journey, a challenge of everything I thought I knew. October 8th, 2018 would mark the day that I began to find God in an infant.

As expectant parents, Taylor and I listened to the stories of other young parents. We heard their trials, how trying a new born can be, how every aspect of normal life will cease to exist. But, like most parents-to-be, we didn’t really understand what they meant. I knew things would be difficult.  I expected to miss a few hours of sleep, that my weekends of freedom might take a hit, that Taylor and I might not get to spend every night snuggled up, engrossed in our favorite Netflix shows.

I didn’t plan for the amount of pain my wife would be in. She often needed my help just to get out of bed, weeks after giving birth. I never even considered the fears a newborn bring to the table. The constant worries of what is normal and not normal behavior. Is this crying ok? Is she supposed to look like that? What are we doing wrong? Nobody told me how to prepare myself for my wife’s bleeding nipples, the 2am tears of exhaustion, and the real feeling that we weren’t capable of being parents.

A week into this and I was ready to give my daughter away. I’d had enough. I wanted my life back. I wanted my wife’s happiness back. I wanted to make it all go away, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get rid of the baby, I couldn’t make my wife’s pain go away, and I couldn’t fix myself. I had run out of places to turn.  I needed relief.  I needed peace.

I grew up in a christian home, went to church, and graduated from a christian high school. But that is not to say that God and I were on good terms. I would hesitate to even call myself a christian. In fact, in the real sense of the word, I wasn’t a christian.  I had said the words somewhere along the way and been baptized, but after graduation I was the furthest thing from Christ-like.  God and I had issues, its pretty easy to see now that those issues were mine. I didn’t understand why I needed to spend my life following some thing that I didn’t want to.  I didn’t ask for Him to put me on this planet, why should I be grateful to Him?  I was having a lot more fun living my own way, doing my own thing, walking my own path.

During one of those late nights feedings, one of those times that I could offer nothing to my wife but a snack and some comforting back rubs while she endured the torture of breast-feeding through damaged skin, I found myself falling apart. I never wanted my wife to see me break down.  I was a man and I needed be strong for her. So I went to the bathroom to have my, one of many, breakdown. I was beaten. It was time to concede that I no longer had the strength to do this by myself. So I turned to the only thing I knew that was bigger than me, God. I asked Him for peace. I told Him that if He would just give me a few moments of comfort that I would find a way to make things right with Him. That I would change my life and start following Him.

Here I am today, six and a half months later, typing this story, what does that tell you? I’d love to tell you that I opened up the bathroom door that night to a healed wife and a baby that slept through the night like an angel. But this isn’t the movies, this is real life. The baby still cried and Taylor still had pains. The difference was that I finally had peace.  I knew that we would somehow get through this time. I could pray to God and lay all of my fears, doubts, and struggles on Him.  For the first time, I didn’t have to carry the burden. I gave it all to God. Six months later and the baby still cries sometimes, my wife and I still struggle with being parents, and I still do my best to give it all to God.

I am a proud father, husband to an amazing wife, and striving to be a better christian every day. I am blessed. This is how I found God in an infant.